things they don't tell you

[aumentou]

There's a lot they don't tell you about being a woman.

There's a lot they don't tell you about having this genital configuration, too, and I nearly confused those two, which makes me ashamed. My excuse i that I'm quite, quite, drunk, having had three pints of booze plus about ten vodka's. My typing is crap too, but thanks to spellcheck and editing you can't tell.

Anyway, to get back to the thing There's a lot of euphemism. I was told, for example, that I would have to be "more careful" as a woman. Nobody said "you're going to have to pay attention to possible rapists all the damn time". Nor did they say "and when you spot them you're going to be faced with some interestingly tricky decisions vis-a-vis your own personal safety balanced against the general good".

For example, tonight I was on my way home from The Corporation, which as you might be aware is a rock club. I'd left the place and was passing the Devonshire Cat (a pub not far from it) when a man I didn't know approached on an intercept course. I looked at him and he veered to pass behind me.
So far so innocent, but there was something odd about his body language. Ten or twenty yards after the intercept site I had a glance back, and realised he wasn't where he ought to be if he was genuinely heading that way. Another surreptitious (considering I'm drunk) glance confirmed that he was pacing me about twenty yards to the left, on devonshire green in among the trees.
Just so we're clear - this was no reason to panic. It was well lit, there were people around, and I thought he probably wasn't capable of beating me in a fight (partly because, hey, booze. Somehow I'm extra confident!).
But that's not the issue. By walking along the well-lit path I avoided the possible problem, so yay. But the possible problem remains in play, as a possible problem for every woman who comes after me. I didn't fix anything, I just stopped him from being my problem. Or to put it another way, I transferred him to someone else.
Part of me thinks I have had enough difficulty in life. But part of me thinks that leaving him in play for someone else to deal with is the shitty selfish asshole move. And there's the thing - nobody told me that being a woman would involve this sort of decision. Dealing with potential rapists? Yes, that was something that came up. Deciding whether to avoid the potential rapist and leave him active or to take matter into my own hands and put myself at increased risk (on a night when I'm drunk, and tired, and have already had someone cause some trouble in the club*)... that didn't get mentioned.

It's a whole new world. And it's one that would be better, if we talked to men about it.

*He was pointlessly aggressive over nothing. I laughed it off.
(Comment on this)
Saturday, August 4th, 2012

Comments

[little_frank]

Confronting him would have been the stupid decision. Having a chat with the Dev Cat bouncers would have been the best move. You did ok actually. The most important thing is making sure a creep can't follow you to somewhere less public, by for example getting on the same tram as you when you're going home.

I always felt safe walking up that way because it's well lit, busy, and bouncers at Dev Cat. Just goes to show :-(.

As a woman, you're statistically less likely to be physically attacked than a man, but much more likely to be creeped out - some guys just get off on scaring women. Added to this are patriarchal attitudes that bank on making women feel more vulnerable - just watch the news. I actually feel a bit more on my guard now when out and about late, because of increased risk of being just punched in the face by drunk aresholes. I'd rather that than be raped though!

[mr-s-face.livejournal.com]

It had gone three in the morning, so no bouncers. :(

" you're statistically less likely to be physically attacked than a man"

This I know, though I suspect those stats would be different for trans women.

[rhino-neil.livejournal.com]

I've had my own experiences whilst cross-dressed in that part of Sheffiled which whilst not that of a woman has at least let me glimpse the other side of the fence as it were.

I don't honestly beleive that you could act in any other way then you did. You are responsable for your own personal safety, not that of others. Any woman or man knows the advice about walking home safely and should look after her / his own safety. The man in question did make you feel uncomfortable, but he commited no crime. What were you planning to do if you had taken it into your own hands? Would it still be classed as self defence? We do not have a vigilanty society for which I thank God, yes you left him for others to deal with, let's hope they are as sensible or even more so, by not putting themselves into this situation.

This may come accross as an ignorant man not knowing what he's talking about, I hope not

Take Care, and don't fret over this one.

[mr-s-face.livejournal.com]

What to do? I don't know. Clearly physical intervention isn't an option. Minimum necessary force doesn't extend to that. Calling a police non-urgent number might have been the thing.

[bonedancer.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much what I was coming in here to suggest. Deliberately taking someone on is way too chancy (for anyone, not just for you) but the guy is behaving oddly and maybe someone ought to be told. You're not under any special obligation to do so, FWIW, but the non-emergency number or the 101 number (if it's open that late) might be an option if it comes up again.

Seems to have been covered below anyway. [/2p]

[ju-bear.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't even like walking home around Crookes at 11pm these days esp on Sundays when it is all too quiet and you get one or 2 guys in hoods milling about.

And I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Your body language told him that you are aware and ready to fend off any unwanted attention from him, and you were in well lit area. I think Frank's suggestion of speaking to bouncers nearby is a good tip for everyone. As to the fact that you are at risk at rape because you are a woman, you have to be aware of potential dangers and walk quickly away from any and avoid lonely places. Sometimes I think perhaps a self defence course is beneficial for everyone (not just women) because you know, shitty ppl sometimes lurk beneath a nice night out. I may look for one actually.

He may be looking for trouble, he may just be drunk and stupid or he may have sinister motive. We won't really know except he was being dodgy.

So don't feel guilty, if you definitely saw something etc, then of course call the police or run for help. I am glad you are safe though. x

[mr-s-face.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think the tricky thing is the idea that I ought to do something about the problem, rather than just keeping myself safe. I suppose I just have to get used to the part where there's nothing useful to be done.

The other tricky thing is that the "avoiding rapists" advice focuses on being in public places. The "avoiding transphobic groups of men who will do you violence" techniques I've learned mostly involve avoiding public places. So every time I go somewhere I'm weighing up how capable I am of dealing with the possible sorts of problem and picking a route that increases the risk of the one I feel most capable of dealing with.

[child-of-chance.livejournal.com]

You did indeed do the right thing looking after your own safety and also not becoming the aggressor. I think that generally most women have been brought up to do just what you did, so the likelihood of you having made anything more dangerous by keeping safe yourself is pretty slim.
And I'm sorry it's one of the situations/feelings that's come as a surprise. *hugs*. I don't think it's possible for you or me or anyone to really explain it to anyone who hasn't been in the situation themself, so I don't think talking to men about it would help. The decent ones would try and understand but the shits wouldn't care anyway.
The more used to it you get, the less you'll be worried and the more you'll be on guard without thinking about it. But remember it's always better to be with another woman than on your own, if you're coming out of clubs.

[child-of-chance.livejournal.com]

And - ten vodkas - ouch! Ease up! :)

[mr-s-face.livejournal.com]

Corp. Double for £1.20. Drink required to make night good. That's how it's going to go.

[rhino-neil.livejournal.com]

I wish you well for the future, but alcohol is never the solution, only the problem. Outta here.

[child-of-chance.livejournal.com]

I used to lose count after 7, personally. And remember what you used to think of me! :oD

[lilith-k.livejournal.com]

The drink is always going to skew your percetion of these things, and your response to it too. Personally, I also believe that you did the right thing.

Feeling vulnerable while out alone and late is something that most people are likely to feel at some point in their lives, regardless of gender. The added fear of the violation that is rape I guess probably does make that fear more pronounced in women. But fear of a thing dos not mean that it is going to happen. As others have said, this guy was clearly a creep, but it's possible that he just wanted to scare you, or that he too was drunk and he fancied you, but being a bloke his only reaction to this was to follow you so he could look at you some more!

Confronting people who have not actually made any threatening approach to you runs the risk of you creating a violent situation that would never otherwise have existed, and of getting you into worse trouble than the potential rapist. Social responibility is a big thing for me, I'll pretty much do anything I can to help other people, even if it causes me problems, but even I would draw the line at stepping up to face a guy I suspected of having violent tendencies on my own!

If it ever happens again, I reccommend putting the phone number for South Yorkshire Police (0114 2202020) into your phone, and calling them to report a suspicious man in the area.